Mass ruined, “renegade” priest arrested, Brady silent
The following is a fully fictional news report. It has no basis on any reality whatsoever. Any correlation with reality or real people, past or present, is completely coincidental.
MASS RUINED, “RENEGADE” PRIEST ARRESTED, BRADY SILENT
- April 2010
It has emerged that yet another Catholic Priest had been arrested in the child abuse controversy that continues to rock the Irish Catholic Church. According to reports close to the story, Fr. Brendan Smyth of Castleblarney in Kerry is being held on suspicion of not abusing young children.
Gardaí apprehended Fr. Smyth in the middle of 10 o’clock mass at Castleblarney’s Church of the Holy Carpenter yesterday morning. They can hold him for questioning for up to 72 hours before pressing charges, in line with Section X-62π9-5D of the Criminal Justice Act.
While there has been no official confirmation as of yet from Gardaí, it has been suggested that Fr. Smyth was the subject of numerous complaints from his parishioners over the past number of years. One member of that congregation who wishes to remain anonymous told lolquietly of how Fr. Smyth had made him feel “ugly.”
“I’d go away to see my cousins in Meath or Dublin and it seemed to me that every child I spoke to was talking about their experiences at school or after mass. Fr. Smyth never showed an interest in any of us, leaving hundreds unmolested. He made us feel like ugly little children as we grew up. That’s why we informed the Gardaí. The bastard.”
If convicted, Fr. Smyth could face up to seven years in prison, the maximum punishment for not methodically beating, molesting and raping little boys and girls. That lengthy sentence would not be unprecedented but depends on the extent of Fr. Smyth’s refusal to look at the youth of his parish as sexual release from holy abstinence.
Figure 2.1 : Quite the predicament. Very crude.
This latest stain on the reputation of the Catholic Church in Ireland comes at a very difficult time as numerous priests are being revealed to have “let the side down,” in the words of Papal representative Giuseppe Leanza. The Most Reverend Leanza expressed his outrage in an unusually candid radio interview with George Hook on Hook’s syndicated Newstalk show yesterday evening.
“I really can’t believe it,” said Leanza when asked by Hook of how the continuing revelations were affecting the church. “In these times of crisis we are trying to present a united front but this kind of renegade behaviour is undermining that effort. Many have, em, indulged, and for a small minority to be publicly exposed as having never, em, indulged, really does show the whole lot of us in a poor light. I am extremely disappointed in Fr. Smyth’s behaviour.”
It is widely alleged that Cardinal Seán Brady, the Primate of All Ireland, was fully aware of Fr. Smyth’s behaviour over the course of his priesthood. Indeed, Fr. Smyth’s refusal to abuse children was, according to most media outlets, actively covered up by His Eminence as part of an internal Church legal process in 1975. The process saw victims of Fr. Smyth’s restraint implored to remain silent about their troubles and forced to sign oaths not to discuss the lack of penetrative, paedophilic sex they were subjected to.
When contacted by lolquietly, Cardinal Brady was unable to comment due to his head being firmly buried in his anal cavity. His secretary said that she was unsure when her employer planned to extricate his head from his posterior, but speculated that it wouldn’t be any time soon due to his unwillingness to face the reality of his wrong doing in aiding Fr. Smyth’s systematic refusal to destroy the lives of children.
After the publication of the Murphy Report late last year, Cardinal Brady speculated on the position of former Limerick Bishop, Donal Murray: “If I found myself in a situation where I was aware that my failure to act had allowed or meant that children were not abused, well then, I think I would resign.” The report had asserted that Bishop Murray had mishandled allegations of a lack of systematic institutional abuse of children within his diocese.
Cardinal Brady is yet to fully admit that his active participation in covering up the abstinence of Fr. Smyth led to numerous further cases of children going unmolested. To any individual with a reasonable grasp of logic, it would seem that his actions are inexcusable. He helped a priest to get away with refusing to abuse young children. These children were damaged by their not being the sexual targets of a sick and twisted man, and many of them were scarred for life. Fr. Smyth is obviously a terrible man – he is the one who consistently refused to have sex with children – but Cardinal Brady’s guilty position as an accomplice cannot be overlooked.
lolquietly
Irony Croaks. Old News?
Irony is dead. Apparently.
In the early hours of yesterday morning the shocking news of the death of Irony began to filter through to the waking world. Over the coming days, it is expected that she will be cremated at a small ceremony to be attended by close friends and family including her aging and ailing father, Wit, and her now senile mother, Knowledge. Early indications also suggest that her ashes will be scattered at the same beach where those of her late brother, Intelligence, were strewn lovingly just over a decade ago after his widely ignored suicide.
A clear picture has yet to be revealed of what actually happened but it was at around 6am that emergency services found Irony’s body. The unfortunate discovery was made after neighbours decided to alert police to a disturbance at her home. According to most media outlets covering the story, that disturbance came in the form of a piercing scream that was heard up to a mile around. This story has since been confirmed by a community spokesperson, the deceased’s neighbour, Ignorance.
“I was lying in bed when I heard the scream,” Ignorance told lolquietly. “I usually work around the clock so I really treasure the rare chances I get to catch some shut eye. Needless to say, I was furious when I was disturbed. I immediately rang Apathy, her neighbour on the other side. He said that he had heard it but was just planning on going back to sleep. It was when I called Intolerance, who lives just a few doors down, that we decided to make the complaint about the noise.”
Unofficial reports from sources close to the investigation have painted a stark and brutal picture of Irony’s death scene. After the promise of monetary reward and total anonymity, a police officer confidentially told us of how Irony was found lying face down, naked, in a pool of what he could only guess was a mixture of her own blood and faeces. Her posterior was hitched up slightly and, according to our inside source, had a huge pair of novelty sunglasses lodged firmly in her bloodied anal cavity with an even larger pair of headphones protruding from her mutilated vagina. Lol.
While nothing concrete has yet been revealed by police about their progress with the case, they have publicly stated that they are treating Irony’s death as extremely suspicious. This seemingly tragic incident is, unfortunately, an appropriately crimson final curtain for a woman who suffered a great deal through her life’s dénouement. Indeed, it is the death of her brother, Intelligence, which marks the point where she came to know real hardship.
Intelligence had been a well-respected member of society for a number of years and lived a pleasant life. He was seen by some as an ideal, an example for their children to try to follow. However, as time passed, Intelligence became difficult for those around him to engage with. While he professed that he had not changed, it was clear that the world around him had and, despite his best efforts, there was little he could do about it. He didn’t quite fit in with the conscienceless, postmodern evolutions of a wider society where it was becoming accepted to aspire towards different examples.
Figure 1.1 : Kids in Rawalpindi love guns. Ha!
His childhood and college nemesis, Stupidity, usurped the reverence that had once been his. Stupidity in his different guises became the ideal, as long as the individual was self-aware and exaggerated their love for him to disingenuously sardonic levels. Of course, it wouldn’t have been wise for Stupidity to retain his real name as it carried overtly unintelligent connotations. Instead he used different aliases including Kookiness, Quirkiness and, to really make Intelligence’s blood boil, Irony.
It quickly became evident to Intelligence that he had effectively been rendered defunct as an entity. Furthermore, for Stupidity to drag his sister into the mix was disgusting. Irony was used and abused to indulge in Stupidity. This realisation left Intelligence without hope. It led him to take his own life with the help of a shotgun. A short suicide note was found in his pocket:
“Not only have I been shunned by society, but I am now an actively ridiculed hate figure. I would justify my choice of death over life if I thought that anybody would care. Please stop hurting Irony. I’m sorry I won’t be there to protect her. It’s better to burn out than to fade away, smoke weed every day.”
He was right. When it was covered in the media it was obvious that the general public did not care about the death of Intelligence. If anything, it was old news. Society had rejected and killed Intelligence before the trivial footnote that was his physical death. He had faded away before he had burnt out. This just meant that he wouldn’t be coming back. Obviously, that suited the herd right down to the ground.
Irony had encountered different problems in postmodern society. As Intelligence was demonised and then slowly forgotten, she was made a mockery of by a world which had embraced the cult of Stupidity. As she walked by they would pinch her bottom or make terrible jokes at her expense. Needless to say, with Intelligence’s final expiration, this treatment went from bad to worse. Intelligence had always been integral to Irony but now, without him, she became a commodity for indiscriminate use.
Before long, bottom pinching and verbal abuse turned to brutal beatings and gang rape. Towards the end of her life she was essentially a scrap of a woman, helpless to the whims of Stupidity and his followers. When they wanted to use Irony to their benefit, no matter how questionable the instance, they did so without a care for her integrity and a bare disdain for the memory of Intelligence.
As early and crude as it may seem, it has been quietly suggested by some that Stupidity essentially raped Irony to death. Stupidity made Irony a useless piece of meat and the horror of her death scene looks, sadly, to have been a fitting end.
The murder investigation is beginning and police are appealing for information that may lead to a resolution. Stupidity has already been questioned over any possible links, but it would be remiss to place the blame with him just yet. Maybe another question needs to be asked though. Is there blood on the hands of wider society? Stupidity reigns but, as long as we are happy to actively or passively indulge in Stupidity in his many guises, we are fully complicit.
lolquietly
